i am not living my life with enough feeling. i have become a judge, a book of rules, heartless and fair. they have taught me how to sit for hours on end. they have taught me never to shoot my gun. they have taught me responsibility and remorse as concepts but not how to feel them. i have learned my place in the order but i do not own it. each day the sun passes overhead with more feeling than i can imagine. the sunset a foreign romance. a story distant from their tanned skin. i will apologize and not mean it to avoid conflict. peace and justice are their words, the empty vessels of war and injustice, the water alive and human. they shut us into one-windowed rooms and tell us to go free. they want me to believe their numbers and graphs instead of my own eyes. they want me to stop my words in my mouth and run them through a security gate.